[He gets what he means, though. If 'he' is more comfortable than 'you,' then that's fine.]
I hated whoever it was who was doing the killing. You saw - he expected Taako and I planned to hurt him, right?
But when I found out it was y - [wait] . . .him, a lot of other things slotted into place, too. The other one of the Reapers was also this girl, Undine, who I liked a lot.
I just knew if that's who'd been doing it, there was more going on than I realized.
[he'll come to terms with it eventually. but when he himself can't remember ever having been put in a horrible position, it's just. . . difficult to consolidate what he knows about himself with another version of himself that someone else knew]
[but he's grateful that Magnus is so understanding, and he flashes his fellow camper a lopsided smile]
. . . ah. I see.
[he's quiet for a moment, gaze turning downwards. he looks up again after a moment, though]
It's. . . weird. I can't-- [he gestures. vaguely!!] -- I can't even fathom what kind of situation would ever make me hurt, much less kill someone else. So. . .
In the game we were in, your group was like - you were supposed to be the "bad guys," and we were told you'd be killing us and we had to catch you.
[He rolls his eyes a little at that.]
But for you all, if you guys didn't kill somebody every week, all of you would die. And we'd fail the real test, which was meant to give us a chance to come back to life.
. . . You didn't kill anyone until there was no choice. It was just you and Undine left. You didn't want to put it all on her.
[he is acutely aware that he's the type of person who wouldn't shove off such a horrible responsibility onto someone else without carrying his own weight]
What a shitty game. . .
[that goes without saying for any of their murder games, though]
[it was inevitable. and although he isn't saying it, part of him is grateful to learn about it now, rather than wait until it starts to play on the screens of the movie theater]
I-- [a breath] Thanks.
[he doesn't even protest the "you" even if it still feels weird]
I'm trying to do a lot of good here, too. We're just running into a lot of brick walls.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[Considering society is pagan and polytheistic, he doesn't really make any distinction between angels and demons.]
Your god to fight the other god.
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[DON'T SOUND SO PROUD OF IT, AKIRA!!!]
But I always thought of myself as more of a rogue.
[. . . hm]
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[Anyway, demons, clerics, same difference. But here - have a memory. It's a two-parter.]
1/2
[he's about to open up his mouth to say something else but--]
[memory]
[and it hits a lot harder than the one about him shooting god in the face does]
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What?
[YEAH HE'S GONNA NEED A MINUTE]
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Uh. Hmm. Don't think you needed to see that.
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That-- [wow]
[just]
[wow]
. . . why would I ever be caught dead reading German philosophy??
[AKIRA WHY IS THAT WHAT YOU FOCUS ON (it's called coping)]
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[Putting a gentle hand on his shoulder.]
You're a real nerd.
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Nooooooooo. . .
[IT'S SAID SO QUIETLY. SO DULLY. SO BLANDLY. and yet it manages to sound so full of despair anyway]
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If it helps, I think you were just reading that for a baller line. I can respect that.
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[ha ha. . . okay, time to sober up]
You stuck by him? Even after you found out he had. . .
[trailing off]
[also purposefully using "he" now because?? he has no idea how to parse that this person in the memories is himself]
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[He gets what he means, though. If 'he' is more comfortable than 'you,' then that's fine.]
I hated whoever it was who was doing the killing. You saw - he expected Taako and I planned to hurt him, right?
But when I found out it was y - [wait] . . .him, a lot of other things slotted into place, too. The other one of the Reapers was also this girl, Undine, who I liked a lot.
I just knew if that's who'd been doing it, there was more going on than I realized.
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[but he's grateful that Magnus is so understanding, and he flashes his fellow camper a lopsided smile]
. . . ah. I see.
[he's quiet for a moment, gaze turning downwards. he looks up again after a moment, though]
It's. . . weird. I can't-- [he gestures. vaguely!!] -- I can't even fathom what kind of situation would ever make me hurt, much less kill someone else. So. . .
[another pause]
Why was he doing it. . .?
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[He rolls his eyes a little at that.]
But for you all, if you guys didn't kill somebody every week, all of you would die. And we'd fail the real test, which was meant to give us a chance to come back to life.
. . . You didn't kill anyone until there was no choice. It was just you and Undine left. You didn't want to put it all on her.
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Of course I wouldn't.
[he is acutely aware that he's the type of person who wouldn't shove off such a horrible responsibility onto someone else without carrying his own weight]
What a shitty game. . .
[that goes without saying for any of their murder games, though]
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[He still feels bad, though. He didn't want to make Akira have to deal with something this unpleasant.]
You did just about the best anybody could've done in that situation. Believe me. You did a lot of good.
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I-- [a breath] Thanks.
[he doesn't even protest the "you" even if it still feels weird]
I'm trying to do a lot of good here, too. We're just running into a lot of brick walls.